The Church of Bloggology

Patrick is your ATM
Now you just need the PIN

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Bloggology: From The Archives

Not that anybody still comes here anymore, but you know. For posterity's sake I just wanted to dump these online before another 4 years pass and I forget where I saved them again.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Miffy Muses Metaphysical Mysteries~

Patrick, Miffy and Spongebob (or the PMS Trinity) would like to apologise for their lengthy absence - they have been observing the sacred Bloggologist practice of Procrastination, and would like to strongly encourage everyone to incorporate this holy ritual into their everyday life.

Anyway. On to random musings from the Mysterious Mind of Miffy =X.

On the necessity of the existence of a god:

On the effectiveness of the death penalty:
Isss works! Just wan taim, and I fell the differen! They generally is not need to sentenced twice!

On the validity of metaphysics:
Miffy is see yr brain, is also taste it, but is it really there? No one will know =X.

On region-encoded DVDs:
Is best idea ever, is make many DVD pirate richer more than queen! =X.

On the people who just cannot stand Lost In Translation:
When I'm told by people that they hated 'Lost in Translation,' I have to restrain myself from replying, "You are saying more about yourself than about the film."
(Miffy elected to quote film critic Roger Ebert's opinion in response to this question, albeit in slightly broken Engrish)

On the people who hated Marie Antoinette:
Let Them Eat Cake! =X. (Miffy is bake. Fill with reinboe and simile.)

On the crucifixion:
Mabey if Jeebus have five thoosand dollar and he go find for Billy Flynn, thing be diffren. =X.

On consumer culture:
IS THE ROT AT THE SOUL OF MORDEN SOCIETY. But Miffy is still buy anyway =X.

On ex-pop-princess Britney Spear's choice to divorce her husband, Kelvin Federline by text messaging:
Mabey Britney finally grow a bit of her brain back after Miffy ate for tea break in 1998 =X.

On hearing about the sex tape of the couple that Federline is attempting to hawk to porn companies:
Or mabey not. =X.

On whether or not she ate Kelvin Federline's brain:
Miffy no like slurp air. Is give Miffy gas. =X.

Procrastinators Unite!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Rose are red, Violets
is blue, fried brain are tasty
Miffy want yours too

Threesome is divine
Father, son, holey doll. Is
Make brain-numb orgy

Miffy no like sleep
Is having count too much sheep
Rather eat more brain

No Pain, No Brain =X

Miffy is exhaust
from chase her lunch. She is like
say: "no pain, no brain"

Hear chirps, Miffy light
up; birds of feather is make
very good sweater

Miffy Rain Her Bane Pain Like Grain On Brain =X

Solitary tear
Roll down Miffy cheek, brain ask
Why she bet Brazil

Otomaoro =X

Dyslexic people
Is have brain make funny taste
Like eat dessert first

Inspiration is
flow swiftly, paint on canvas
No menstrual blood please

Miffy soon do work
Is make army order. Is
soon. Otomaoro =X

Miffy Miffikuruminates On The Appalling State Of State-Run Schools

A new term in school
Half the teacher leaves; brain drain
Revolving-door job

Miffy's Mid-night Miffikus =X

2AM, clock chime.
Anselm dumb god proof is
tie Miffy's brain in knot

greater-can-be-thought. Pained brain
scream: "IS YOU ON CRACK?"

Existence is not
a predicate. Miffy not
ate Kant brain, sure puke

Late night homework rush
Bed is call to me. Is font
size fourteen too big?

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Writing Miffiku/Is Like Brain Make Exercise/Fit Brain Is Tastier

The rules for writing Miffiku (5-7-5 syllables) are simple:
1. As cheesy and overblown as possible: Miffy is the Patron Saint of Engrish and Bad Poetry, after all. It's only fitting.
2. The more excruciating the rhyme, the better. (Real life example #1: The flowers rain their pain on me.)The Crazy Is Strong In This One =X
3. Engrish, prease. Poor grammer speeling/Like good cup of aged Crazy/Is make Miffy joy
4. Preferably should include the word "brain", but Miffy is pretty forgiving as long as you remember the first 3 rules. Imagery of eating gets bonus points.

Here are some of the mysterious, mirrored wisdoms dispensed by the Great Mother of Madness, through her cryptic Miffikus (If she spoke in proper English all who heard her would go irrevocably insane. She's only done so once so far, several hundred years ago. We ended up with the Christian Bible):

Mad no-brain PE
Teacher see big thunderstorm
Throw childish tantrum

Miffy no like ate
PE teacher brain because
Taste too much like child

Mugger brain is taste
Like paper. Miffy want puke
Her guts out on floor

Late night TV show
Miffy cannot brain today
She is have the dumb

Miffy stomach growl
Now she is learn her lesson
Bush brain too light meal

Mad PE teacher
Miffy is eating their brain
For breakfast each day

Wordsworth bows down to
Great Mother of Madnesses
Miffy have more brain

PE teacher, whips
Cuffs, loud shrill whistle, blows loudly
Brains are turn to mush

The world suck loudly
Noise make Miffy brain pain
So she make it blow

Hilary Duff is
lookie like a horse. Only
She smoke grass, no eat

Gambling with Miffy
And Patrick and Spongebob is
Like eating own dice.

Watch Veronica
Solve mystery, kick ass. Or
Miffy eat yr brain

Life hard, like cement
Miffy no like, it smell bad
So Miffy make soft

Friday, April 14, 2006

Bloggology Profiles: Miffy, Great Mother of Madness

Miffy has preferred to shroud herself in shadow before this, but has for some reason only known by herself chosen to reveal herself now. More information on the Grand Duchess Miffy and her Handmaidens will be revealed in the upcoming "Giant Bloggology Text File".

Patrick's charm lies in his innocence. He loves all, hugs all, forgives all. But sometimes idealism doesn't get the job done. Sometimes you need to make sacrifices. But Patrick is too kind-hearted and loving to do so, so this is where Miffy comes in. She is the Great Dark Goddess, the Necessary Evil, the One Who Gets The Dirty Work Done. Miffy is the Rhymer, the Riddler, The Mysterious. She speaks only in rhymes, riddles and really bad engrish, because if she were to talk normally, people would go mad just listening to her speak. Nobody, even the most intelligent person in the world, is even fundamentally prepared for the pure, distilled truth that Miffy has come to comprehend through her devouring of a million minds.

Her names are as many as the Handmaidens who March in her name. Miffy, Great Mother of Madness, Relentless Ravager of Reason, Dread Desolator of Discernment, Muncher of Minds, Devourer of Delusion, Inscrutable Ingester of Intellect, Biter of Brains, Binger of Brilliance, Consumer of Comprehension, Grim Gobbler of Genius, Slurper of Sense, Swallower of Sanity, She-Without-Emotion-Or-Mercy, the Cerebral Chomper, Unforgiving Underminer of Understanding, "Heartless Bitch" (Miffy No Realy Like That Last One =x -M.). The list is as unending as the universe, and it grows with her great Legion, for which there is no beginning and no end.

Miffy is black and white, darkness and light, order and chaos, kind and unkind. She exemplifies the phrase "the ends justify the means". This, however, does not mean that she is evil in any way (taking evil to be society's definition of it, of course). Far from it. She has existed since the dawn of time, part of the shadow in Patrick's benevolent psyche. When the vile Puterthetans (then called Shadowkin) revolted against Patrick, Miffy, then the leader of one of the most influential Matrichial Shadowkin Clans, chose to give up her power and go against the Shadow Council, refusing to rebel against the divine All-Father. Many of her loyal handmaidens chose to stand by her, and till today, they continue to form the ranks of her great Legion, standing vigil against the violent, relentless Puterthetans and scouring the world of stupidity. Miffy's existence takes society's rigid, badly conceived notions of good and evil and turns them all inside out. She is a complex creature, much like many of the great "villains" (see also: Saint Iago, Saint Lucifer, Saint Creasy, Saint Logan) of humanity. Her intentions are unknowable, her methods dubious at best, but if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that everything she does is for the best of starfishkind.

"But we just ate Hilary Clinton's brain this morning! If we eat a PE teacher's brain today we're going to get food poisoning from all the delusion - I think we should go for something lighter, like George Bush's."
-Miffy conferring with her Shadow-Rainbow Council of Elite Handmaidens, deciding which human's brain they shall consume next.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Patrick Ponders Philosophy!

We now return from Miffy's Mandated Hiatus to bring you deep thoughts from the mind of Our Divine All-Father, Patrick. Each week, Patrick will analyse and deconstruct prominent philosophical arguments and theories, and through doing so, HE shall dispense glittering gems of truth like only a being of HIS glorious infinite wisdom can.

This week, Patrick Ponders ... The Ontological Argument!

Well then, Lord, You who give understanding to faith, grant me that I may understand, as much as You see fit, that You exist as we believe you to exist, and that You are what we believe You to be. Now we believe that You are something than which nothing greater can be thought. Or can it be that a thing of such a nature does not exist, since 'the Fool has said in his heart there is no God'? But surely, when this same fool hears what I am speaking about, namely, 'something-than-which-nothing-greater-can-be-thought', he understands what he hears, and what he understands is in his mind, even if he does not understand that it actually exists. For it is one thing for an object to exist in the mind, and another thing to understand that an object actually exists. Thus, when a painter plans beforehand what he is going to execute he has [the picture] in his mind, but he does not yet think that it actually exists because he has not yet executed it. However, when he has actually painted it, then he both has it in his mind and understands that it exists because he has now made it. Even the Fool, then, is forced to agree that something-than-which-nothing-greater-can-be-thought exists in the mind, since he understands this when he hears it, and whatever is understood is in the mind. And surely that-than-which-a-greater-cannot-be-thought cannot exist in the mind alone. For if it exists solely in the mind even, it cannot be thought to exist in reality also, which is greater. If then that-than-which-a-greater-cannot-be-thought exists in the mind alone, this same that-than-which-a-greater-cannot-be-thought is that-than-which-a-greater-can-be-thought. But this is obviously impossible. Therefore there is absolutely no doubt that something-than-which-a-greater-cannot-be-thought exists in both the mind and reality.

-Some Old Geezer Who Obviously Didn't Get Laid Enough, 1078

Patrick's Expert Evaluation: Eat-shit-and-die.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I didn't listen to Patrick yesterday, and now I have fallen sick. Praise Be To Patrick, For He Is All-Powerful And All-Loving And Now I Am Feeling Like Shit!

Anyway, I am interrupting my convalescent sleep to bring you the first in the Church's series of Patrickian Original Outreach Programmes (POOP), a Multitheist convention designed to heal even the most hideously scarred of believers (Results may vary: please consult your local deity for more information):

Told all your life you were going to hell if you as much as stubbed your toe against the line? Afraid you'll get pregnant if you hold your date's hand? Worried that you'll get possessed by the devil if you see a bikini ad? Images of fire and brimstone hampering your erection? If you're worried that your religious upbringing might be turning you into your parents, we might be able to help! Sexual inhibition, psychological impotence, enforced celibacy, virginity - we can cure all that, and more! Sign up for the Multitheist International Nudist Dance: Rehabilitation and Amelioration for the Pastorally Entropied Devotees (MINDRAPED) today! A 48-hour nude dance marathon with something for everyone, Patrick guarantees that you'll go home with your inhibitions demolished, your brains blown out and good ol' Mr. Grafenberg sated - and you'll have plenty of sore muscles (that you probably never knew you had before), to boot! All this, or you'll get double your money back! So what are you waiting for? Dial 1800-666-ORGY, today. That's 1800-666-ORGY! Remember - there is no inhibition that a generous portion of smut and pheromones won't cure for good!

Terms and conditions apply. Cuffs, whips, straitjackets, ski-masks and leather hotpants not included. Toys and electrical appliances will be available from the ticket office at rates starting from $10/hour. Severe fines will be imposed for any losses or unwashed returns.