I didn't listen to Patrick yesterday, and now I have fallen sick. Praise Be To Patrick, For He Is All-Powerful And All-Loving And Now I Am Feeling Like Shit!

Anyway, I am interrupting my convalescent sleep to bring you the first in the Church's series of Patrickian Original Outreach Programmes (POOP), a Multitheist convention designed to heal even the most hideously scarred of believers (Results may vary: please consult your local deity for more information):

Told all your life you were going to hell if you as much as stubbed your toe against the line? Afraid you'll get pregnant if you hold your date's hand? Worried that you'll get possessed by the devil if you see a bikini ad? Images of fire and brimstone hampering your erection? If you're worried that your religious upbringing might be turning you into your parents, we might be able to help! Sexual inhibition, psychological impotence, enforced celibacy, virginity - we can cure all that, and more! Sign up for the Multitheist International Nudist Dance: Rehabilitation and Amelioration for the Pastorally Entropied Devotees (MINDRAPED) today! A 48-hour nude dance marathon with something for everyone, Patrick guarantees that you'll go home with your inhibitions demolished, your brains blown out and good ol' Mr. Grafenberg sated - and you'll have plenty of sore muscles (that you probably never knew you had before), to boot! All this, or you'll get double your money back! So what are you waiting for? Dial 1800-666-ORGY, today. That's 1800-666-ORGY! Remember - there is no inhibition that a generous portion of smut and pheromones won't cure for good!

Terms and conditions apply. Cuffs, whips, straitjackets, ski-masks and leather hotpants not included. Toys and electrical appliances will be available from the ticket office at rates starting from $10/hour. Severe fines will be imposed for any losses or unwashed returns.