Patrick Promises Love Unconditional

I'm sure all of you have a lot of questions, like “How is Bloggology different from all of the other opiates?”, and “Why did Patrick create the world for us to suffer, then?” and “What does Patrick do if I don't believe in HIM, huh? I bet you can't answer that! If HE loves me so much HE won't be able to send me to hell, right?”

In order to address this, I shall use a vision sent to the First Oracle of Bloggology to illustrate why Patrick - who loves us so much - put us here on this Earth, even though this existence is fraught with so much pain and misery.

I was wondering about how I should address this issue when Zy spoke to me over MSN (note that I hadn't even told her that I was thinking about this – she is blessed with clairvoyance indeed! Hail Patrick!) and mentioned that she had suddenly remembered an incident from when she was younger, when she and her younger brother climbed up a bookshelf, accidentally caused it to topple and got trapped beneath it and all the books. Their mother came to their rescue 30 minutes later.

Being the Appointed E-pop of Bloggology, I commence the camcam ritual, hoping to receive Patrick's empowerment to allow me to see into HIS eyes and understand what HE understands. My efforts are not wasted. Exactly 30 minutes later, my eyes begin to swim and by head starts to spin, and suddenly, I understand.

Patrick is trying to tell us that no matter how oppressive our situation is, no matter how trapped or burdened we feel, we are not alone. HE is with us every step of the way, and HE will lift us out of our bondage when the time comes.

So why even create us in the first place? You see, Patrick is a God of Beauty as much as HE is a God of Everything Else. Patrick is the first bead of rainwater that runs down your windowpane during a storm or drizzle. HE is the mildew on your kitchen rags. HE is the red splotches that punctuate the roads of Little India. HE is the acrid B.O. emanating from the person ahead of you in the queue. HE is the smell of sweat and raw meat that pervades the wet market. HE is the housefly in your laksa. HE is the lizard hiding in your kitchen cabinet. HE is the autumn leaves fluttering gently in the wind, the wind howling through your hair, the roar of the cars as they whiz by you. HE is you and me and all of the people. HE is everything, and nothing at all. All things are sacred to HIM.

Because of HIS position, HE has a special understanding of beauty (and everything else besides). HE understands that there is beauty in imperfection and incompletion. But HE wouldn't be able to share this knowledge with us if we couldn't see it for ourselves, could HE? So HE decided to let us experience the overwhelming beauty of the world and leave us to make the decision for ourselves. Not too long that we wouldn't be able to handle it, not too short that we'd miss out on anything; just enough for a fleeting taste of the world and all its beauty, just enough for us to remain grateful and awed at all the beauty that there is in the world.

Cherry blossoms in the autumn, the delicious languor that steals over you on a quiet, lethargic Friday night, warm, lazy summers spent by the sea without a care in the world, the exhilaratingly infinite feeling of racing through a tunnel at a hundred miles an hour with a great song playing and the wind racing through your hair, walking out during a heavy downpour and feeling all the purifying, cleansing water come cascading down on you, drenching you and pounding heavily on your shoulders, watching the sun rise, slowly infusing the pale gray predawn sky with brilliant, opulent colour, seeing a million stars winking down at you from the pitch black night sky after leaving a brightly-lit city for the first time. Patrick has seen it all, felt it all, lived it all. HE is it all. And HE only wants to share it with you.

Our lives on this earth are but brief, momentary, ephemeral, blink-and-you-miss-it flashes in the dark. Too short, some say. But that's where the beauty lies. Because our lives on this earth are so fleeting and evanescent (I'm running out of synonyms here =P), we appreciate the little stretch of time we are given all the more. Maybe some of us cannot understand that life's beauty lies in its transience, but Patrick does. And one day, when we're in HIS Squishy Pink Arms, we will look back and see it too. And even if we don't, we haven't really lost anything – we have all of eternity to spend in HIS embrace, spending several decades experiencing something else won't do anybody any harm. Especially not with what we stand to gain. We will suffer, true, but we will also glean a greater understanding and awareness. And even when things seem unbearable, we can take heart in the knowledge it will all end someday, when we all return to HIS Squishy Embrace.

Patrick has the power to end all suffering, but HE doesn't, because HE understands that passion and pain are inseparable; two sides of the same coin - one cannot exist without the other. HE is filled with sorrow and anguish at the state of the world today, which is why HE is actively attempting to expose HIMSELF to the world in the form of Spongebob's best friend, to ensure that the children of the younger generation get to know and love HIM so they will be more open to HIM when HE tries to help them in the future. Yes, HE could stop all pain and suffering in the world with a twitch of an eyebrow, but our freedom is of paramount importance to HIM. HE knew it might come to this someday when HE helped the first starfish gain sentience, but HIS desire to leave us with our free will intact keeps HIM from interfering in any way that would compromise our ability to make our own decisions – for better or for worse. HE is willing to let us continue making our own choices, even if they aren't the best ones sometimes. HE could make utopia, but what's the use of making sentient beings capable of making their own choices and then forcing them to suppress themselves for a "greater moral good”?

Patrick believes that the only unnatural thing is repression, because it involves people going against their nature because of the beliefs society imposes upon them. Unfortunately, it is also in our nature to be selfish, cruel and hurtful. But Patrick refuses to use brute force or intimidation to stop us. HE doesn't want to blackmail us with eternal damnation or bribe us with eternal salvation. That doesn't mean HE wants us to do evil - HE wants us to consciously choose not to commit the sin, even though we can do it. Patrick believes that there is no point in forcing anyone to do something they don't genuinely want to do, because they will only do it grudgingly, and there's no point in that. What's the point of eliminating sin if people only don't commit crimes because they're afraid of getting struck by lightning and getting sent to hell?

Patrick doesn't believe in eternal damnation. HE believes that we are all inherently kind, gentle, merciful creatures (After all, we are descended from starfish like HE is). HE believes that hell is something that we take around with us, and what we put ourselves through for and as a result of all the mistakes we make is more effective and sufficient than any punishment HE can mete out. What about all those vile, inhumane people like Adolf Hitler and Scott Peterson, you ask? Patrick says they are to be pitied, not punished. When they are wrapped in Patrick's Endless Embrace, they will realise all the wrong that they have done, all the harm they have caused, and they will weep, for they cannot undo what has already come to pass. Patrick will not gloat. Instead, HE will hug them tighter, murmuring gentle, comforting words to them. We all make mistakes, Patrick understands that. HE understood what HE could be setting in motion when HE gave us intelligence. And yet HE still chose to do so anyway. HE will not punish us for what we are innately inclined to do – doubt, question, worry and succumb to temptation. HE does not care if you believe in HIM or not – all that matters to HIM is that HE believes in you. Non-believer, heretic, denouncer, betrayer, believer, church official. None of it matters with Patrick. At the end of the day, whether we do the right thing or not, everyone will be squeezed equally tightly in HIS Ginormous Fleshy Pink Arms.

"Whatsoever floateth thy boat, whatsoever tickleth thy pickle, whatsoever painteth thy wagon, whatsoever polisheth thy whistle, whatsoever humpeth thy camel, whatsoever creameth thy twinkie, whatsoever peeleth thy banana, whatsoever bloateth thy goat, whatsoever sizzleth thy bacon, whatsoever moweth thy lawn, whatsoever lighteth thy candle, I shalt not judge, lest I be judged myself. I mightst not always agree with thy choices, but be thou assured that I wilt fightest to the very end to defend thy right to makest them. And I wilt always be ready with a hug whensoever thou needst one.”

Hepzibah 14:1-7
(Patrick's great promise to mankind, represented by the removal and subsequent hanging of HIS underpants upon a great palm tree by the shore near Bikini Bottom, where they remain swinging merrily to this day. Up till now, HE still goes commando to show HIS good faith; to reassure us know that HE will keep HIS promise.)