The Pink Starfish Cometh! (Backeth)

If any of you have been wondering about the lack of updates, Patrick would like me to inform you that HE's been on vacation in the Bahamas. HE would also like to apologise for any inconvenience, famine, pandemic, war, needless suffering or child abuse caused by (or allowed to happen because of) HIS absence and plead "free will" in his defense. (What? Got precedent one okay! Anyway, if it's a good enough excuse for the Christian God, it's good enough for Patrick!)

Patrick's vacation caused a slight delay in the launch of Bloggology's Spring-Summer '06 season, but what the hell - HE's the One True Deity, HE makes the rules. Hence, I am only now able to unveil the Church's tentative Spring-Summer 2006 Slogan: "Bloggology: As believable as the usual bullshit" and the (also tentative) Pre-Spring Preview for some of the major events that lie ahead (Yeah yeah, Patrick could look into the future, but HE prefers not to as HE believes this compromises creative processes and takes the fun out of living in the moment), so without further ado:

1. Special Feature: (very belated) Holiday's Greetings and the unveiling of two Saints: Mother Spongebob and Saint Shrek. Whoops. I said unveiling right? Ah what the hell. Canonising. See? Patrick told you looking into the future would spoil everything, but you just wouldn't listen, would you?

2. Devotional Writing: Feeling the Father's Favouring, Forgiving, F...ilanthropic (what the hell, we're a religion, we're allowed to coin stupid words - it's in the Bible somewhere ... "Thou shalt coineth words whenever thou shalt please, for verily, thusly thou shalt pleaseth the Father". There.) Friendliness in a Foreign Fundus.

3. Church Event: Introduction of Bloggology's Officially Sanctioned Sage, Wise Man, who will spout nonsensical Confucius-esque platitudes reminiscent of Sayuri from Memoirs of a Geisha and Mr Miyagi from Karate Kid - Wise Man (will) say: "How doo yoo doo, how doo yoo doo, and how doo yoo doo again! Charlie very happy too meeting yoo!"

4. Biblical History & Theology: Why Patrick came to earth, how HE encountered the starfish and the coming of the Son, who will walk the earth, fulfill many prophecies and act in two instalments of "The Chronicles of Narnia".

5. Biblical Interpretation: The power of Retail Therapy, or why Patrick thinks you should spend your next allowance or paycheck (in its entirety) on Club 21.

6. Special Feature: The Secret Life Of Starfish (a joint production with P.E.T.A. and BentoSushiCruelty.com)

7. Special Feature: Bloggology In A Flash, aka The Passion Of The Starfish - a flash presentation starring Patrick, chronicling HIS Descent To Earth (And What Patrick Found There).

That aside, Patrick would also like me to launch the CHINESE NEW YEAR LUCKY DRAW *cue ching chong music and sounds of people scrambling to queue up for ba kwa* (because Bloggology, unlike a certain duplicitous religion, subscribes strongly to the notion of luck and isn't afraid to draw attention to its existence): A Patrick/Spongebob chocolate coin (Lick It! Spin It! Toss It To Make Important Life Decisions On Your Behalf!) goes to whoever can correctly spot all the references to children's fiction in the post. That, and Patrick's eternal benevolence. Of course, if you know the answer and you purposely don't make a guess, Patrick will love you even more, because then HE gets to eat the coin. Hur hur hur.

Now I must retire to sleep, for Patrick informs me that I shall fall terribly ill if I do not fall asleep in exactly one hour.